Reflections
Room for doubt

I can't blame them, really. You know, Peter and John and Andrew and all the others - and especially Thomas. It must be hard to take in the fact that the man they saw die so horribly three days ago is back with them again. Their faces when I appeared through that locked door was a joy to behold; it was the same incredulous look I saw that stormy night I walked across the lake to the boat - they thought they'd seen a ghost. Good old Peter, as that night, so now, the first to rush to greet me: the great, daft bear, jumping straight over the side of the boat to reach me. He'd even managed a few steps before he started going under.

It really is good to be with them again, even for a short time. There was a time when I wondered whether I would see them again. Oh, yes, I had my doubts just like them - I wouldn't be human if I hadn't. That night in the garden was one of the worst moments of my life - that old devil, Satan, pounced on me when I was already feeling down. It had been tough beating him off the first time, but that night of the Passover…well, I almost gave up and walked away from it all to be honest.

'Just suppose,' he said to me, 'just suppose that it's all just your imagination; nobody really comes back from the dead. Forget your friend, Lazarus: that was just a fluke and only a temporary reprieve. I'll get him again sooner or later - nobody escapes death, not even you my friend. Don't think you're anybody special, because you're going down the same as all the rest - no special favours for you. No, there's no heaven, no paradise, and all this that you're doing and preaching is just fantasy, a waste of time. Don't be a fool, save yourself, turn your back on this silly way of life and enjoy yourself before it's too late. Lighten up!'

It took all of my willpower to get past that moment - the disciples were no help, either; they were all asleep, just when I needed them most.

And then, during that third hour on the cross. Oh the pain, it was excruciating. My hands and feet were screaming out in agony, my shoulders felt as if they were being wrenched out of their sockets; my chest was so tight. I don't know whether the physical pain was more unbearable than all the taunting and abuse that was being hurled at me. And 

then…and then, it was suddenly very black, as if all the lamps and torches had been doused…I could see nobody, hear no voice, feel no other presence. I was alone. I must have screamed out and then it was over. I saw rather than felt a sword pierce my side and heard anguished crying from my mother and all the other women around about me. Where were my disciples, those whom I had taught and nurtured? Only John stood there embracing my mother, and Mary, of course. Good old Mary…amazing how faithful even the unfaithful ones can be.

It had all started so differently. My father Joseph had just died; even though he was getting on a bit, his death was quite sudden and left me devastated. He had been my whole life; he'd taught me everything to do with wood, and we'd spend hours together in that workshop in Nazareth building doors and furniture for the townsfolk; the real money, of course, was in making those large yokes that the farmers put on their cattle in order to till the ground. When I was younger, Joseph would sit me on his knee and tell me stories about my people and how God had helped them down the centuries. Some of it was quite exciting, though most of the time, he spoke about their great suffering.

After his death, my mother Mary urged me to get away from the town and to go out to experience the wider world, and so it was that I found myself on the banks of the river Jordan watching this strange, unkempt man ranting and raving at a big crowd gathered around him. 

As I drew nearer I recognised him - it was my cousin John, whom I hadn't seen for years. He obviously recognised me straight way because he pointed to me and said something to the crowd which I couldn't quite catch. Despite his weird appearance, John was a marvellous speaker, totally captivating his listeners with rather forthright and explicit language, challenging each of them individually to repent of their sins and to turn to God. After listening to him for a while, I too became totally convinced by his message and went forward to be washed by him in the name of God.

He said something strange to me as I knelt before him in the water, but I just told him to do what had to be done. Well, that's when things really started getting spooky, because as soon as he'd poured water over 

my head, this bird appeared out of nowhere and hovered over me, the sound of his wings like thunder. I felt as if someone was speaking to me in that instant, but the words were quite shocking. "You are my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased." And when afterwards John told me that he'd heard the same words being spoken to me, I felt completely bemused. I just had to get away, to be alone, to try to make some sense of what was happening to me. I'd always felt that there was something different about me - even when I was a child I was never like the others; come to think of it, even my parents treated me differently somehow.

By now, I was totally confused, and I wandered around on my own for days; I couldn't eat or drink anything. I must have been delirious, because I spent hours talking to myself. I felt as if I'd been in a fight. Afterwards, though, I felt such peace, as if I'd been in the very presence of God himself. There was also a growing conviction that I had a purpose to fulfill and so I began wandering throughout the country sharing those things that Joseph had told me and everything that I'd learned in the Temple and synagogues. You know, the more I shared, the more convinced I became of the reality of God in my life and that's when very special things began to happen. People would be healed of sickness and disabilities as I passed by them, and there was even an occasion when a woman touched the hem of my garment and was healed. I just knew then, that the voice I'd heard at my baptism had been the voice of God. The problem was that the religious leaders took exception to the word I was preaching and on several occasions, they even tried to have me arrested. That really scared me, but I found that I couldn't stop speaking out; it was as if I couldn't control myself. It was only a question of time, then, before they became really angry.

The rest you probably know.

So, here I am, among my friends once again. It really is good to see them. What's that Thomas? You want to place your finger through the holes in my hands and your fist in the hole in my side. Go on then, if it'll make you happy. No, stand up now Thomas. Yes, I am your Lord and your God. We both know that now. Blessed are those who have not seen yet believe.

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