OTHER SKETCHES
Scene: An undertaker's office. Business placard bearing the legend:
Nathanael Moses - the Family Funeral Business
We take care of your loved one so you’re free to grieve.
Desk with a phone (A mobile phone) will do; the phone rings. Nathanael picks up the phone.
Is that you Hymie? Thanks for ringing back so soon. ...Yes, it is urgent... No, Miriam is fine ... no, it's not about about us, though we do have the odd argument about her mother... No, I'm not wanting a divorce. ... No, Ben hasn't had another brush with the police.... Yes, thanks for helping over the speeding charge, I'm very grateful... Yes, it wouldn't have looked too good in The Capernaum Herald "Police pursue speeding hearse" My clients would've gone elsewhere, if that had come to court.... Yes, it is a business matter.... No, I'm not retiring or considering a merger with Boaz of Bethsaida.... I wouldn't trust him with my mother-in-law's funeral. ... Let me explain, I need your professional advice... OK.. I'll pay your professional fees, though I would've thought that we could've come to some arrangement. After all your mother's getting on...
Hello! Hymie? Are you there? No I'm sorry, I really apologise, most thoughtless.... I'll come straight to the point, I'm seeking compensation for funeral expenses incurred for a funeral that wasn't.... No I'm not going senile. I'll start from the beginning... You know Jairus, Secretary of the Capernaum Chamber of Commerce, President of the synagogue,... Yes that's the one - big place in the Galilean Hills. As I was saying I didn't do a funeral for his daughter yesterday... (Slowly) There should've been a funeral... I had heard on the grapevine that his twelve-year-old daughter was seriously ill. In fact she was not expected to recover.... Yes, he is very attached to her... So I was sad, but not surprised when one of his servants came bursting in to say that she had died... (Trying to be patient) I know I said there wasn't a funeral... I'm coming to it, give me a chance! After all I'm paying for your time...
| Hello. Hello. Hymie, I 'm sorry I'm in a state, it won't happen again... Well naturally enough when I heard the news I swung into action. This was going to be a big funeral so I made some calls... to the mourners hiring agency for their number one team of whiners, wailers, and screamers; I phoned the wholesalers for ten bales of sackcloth, a 100 kilos of ashes and the usual other things. I even called my brother-in-law at the Capernaum bakery to expect a big order - mourning's a hungry business. I had even got round to asking the stone mason to enlarge the burial chamber... I know that, but you can't afford to hang about in my trade... |
"Jesus ruined every funeral |
Anyway. I was on my way to make a personal call when I was stopped by another servant with the message the funeral is cancelled... indeed, I was flabbergasted ... No there hadn't been a mistake, the girl had died, ... (Shouting) I DID CHECK THE DEATH CERTIFICATE, I'M NOT AN AMATEUR! ... Sorry, I'm very upset. Please let me finish. It was this fellow Jesus, you know, Joseph's son from Nazareth... You've heard of him ... he's caused a few problems before in Cana? ...and on the lakeside? Oh...Well, he ought to be blacklisted... To resume, he persuaded Jairus to let him see his daughter even though she had died when he was seeking his help in the town. In he marches, dismisses my wailing team, curtly declaring she's not dead but asleep... of course, they laugh, it's preposterous, they'd seen her dead, the poor child... Jesus goes inside with his band of cronies and her parents - shuts the door in everyone else's faces... the next thing they know she's skipping outside asking for a hamburger. Now my brother-in-law isn't too unhappy as they did have a big feast to celebrate her recovery and bought out his stock, but I'm left with all this sack cloth and ashes on my hands, a bill from the stone mason's and a crew of professional wailers outside demanding immediate payment or they'll start a twenty-four hour continuous wail... What I want to ask is who can I sue? Can I claim on the insurance? Why are you laughing Hymie, it's not funny... What are you saying about Nain? The same thing happened there? A widow's son jumped up from the bier... Jesus was involved there, too! And he has no money.... So what did the court rule? "Insurance void as it was an Act of God." (Wailing sound begins as undertaker sobs in despair)
© Copyright Don Dowling October 2001