Sketch 3 - Do you belong here?

1st Welcomer: Mr. Smith, thank you for agreeing to join our welcoming team at St. Aggies at such short notice. Have you any questions about our er procedures?

2nd Welcomer: Don't you worry one bit. In my job I always follow procedures and I've had masses of experience in welcoming people.

1st Welcomer: Nonetheless , I'd better run through our regular er um code of practice.

2nd Welcomer: Look I've been welcoming people since I left school just leave it to me.

1st Welcomer: I still think that you should see how we handle things here as each church has its own way of doing things. So please watch me. (enter regular churchgoer) Here comes our first customer. Watch carefully? Good Morning Mr(s) Jones lovely to see you again. How's the family?

Regular: Fine thanks

1st Welcomer: Here are the hymn book and service sheet.

Regular: Thank you

1st Welcomer: Shall I take your pledge envelope and put it on the plate?

Regular: Thank you very much

1st Welcomer: I'll show you to your seat. (Regular sits down, to 2nd Welcomer) OK?

2nd Welcomer: No problem just watch me.

Do you belong here?

1st Welcomer: Perhaps I'd better tell you who people are so that you can act appropriately. (Enter a Stranger)

2nd Welcomer: Who's (s)he?

1st Welcomer: I've no idea (s)he must be first timer.

2nd Welcomer: Great . Just you watch a professional!

1st Welcomer: (nervously) Hadn't I better...

2nd Welcomer: Step aside and watch an expert , as I say to my trainees at work. (Produces a notebook and pencil and accosts Stranger) Name?

Stranger: (Jane) James Davidson

2nd Welcomer: Have you any documentary proof?

Stranger: My driving licence?

2nd Welcomer: Not relevant. After all you are in church. How about a baptism or confirmation certificate or an electoral roll application form?

Stranger: I didn't think I needed to bring anything of that sort with me. I just came.

2nd Welcomer: Just came! So it’s your first visit here.

Stranger: Second actually. I think I was christened here.

2nd Welcomer: So you allege, but I haven't seen any proof. Can anyone vouch for you?

Stranger: I know the Vicar by sight.

2nd Welcomer: So does the devil but he has no right of entry here.

1st Welcomer: Steady on!

2nd Welcomer: Please don't interfere in the interrogation, I mean welcoming, process... What other material do you have to support your right of entry?

Stranger: What do you mean material?

2nd Welcomer: For instance have you a Bible?

Stranger: My son's got one at home

2nd Welcomer: No Bible. (shakes his head as he writes down the answers) When did you last pray?

Stranger: When I took my driving test and I passed!

2nd Welcomer: And when was that?

Stranger: Some years ago. But I watched Songs of Praise when it came from Stevenage

2nd Welcomer: Irregular spiritual habits. Have you brought your envelope?

Stranger: Only my pools coupon . I was going to post it after church.

2nd Welcomer: Gambles! Does not belong to the giving scheme.

Stranger: I do have 10p for the collection.

2nd Welcomer: Tips God. Reason for entry, I mean attendance?

Stranger: Well I was feeling a bit low and thought a hymn or two and a bit of worship would do me good. Though I'm not sure now. Perhaps I'll go to the pub instead.

2nd Welcomer: Religious tourist, loose morals.

Stranger: I thought this was God's house where every one was welcome regardless.

2nd Welcomer: Socialist and freethinker. Sorry Mr(s). Jones I must refuse you entry. You do have the right of appeal of course, provided you can supply the necessary documentation and references in triplicate. As a concession I am willing to allow you one passport free entry at either Christmas or Easter. (1st welcomer collects Jones and Davidson and they start walking off during this speech). Hey where are you all going?

1st Welcomer: (from the back) To the pub, we are more likely to meet Jesus there than in a church where you're on the door. By the way what is your job?

2nd Welcomer: Me? I'm an immigration officer. (Pause then exit)