Sketch 5 - Dry land swimming school

Sketches
The Dry Land Swimming School

OTHER SKETCHES

Bad for Business

Inside story

Do you belong here?

And where’s the donkey?

The Dry Land Swimming School

And where did you say...?

A Parable

Faith implies risk, as in swimming there comes a time when we have to trust the water so it is with God. People give all sorts of reasons for not jumping into the water but as you can never learn to swim without going into the pool, so it is with faith - you cannot learn it simply by theory. This sketch is dedicated to all non-swimmers.

CAST: Principal, 4 Swimmers, Member of the audience.

Ladies, Gentlemen and students, it gives me great pleasure as Principal of the Dry Land Swimming School to preside at our annual prize-giving. As usual, our students have performed magnificently, and this reflects great credit on our teaching staff who have immersed themselves in the values and teaching of our inspiring Greek founder, Hydro Phobia. Our pupils' achievements are a tribute to their skill and dedication. However, I must take the opportunity on this public occasion of reminding students and parents of the need to wear regulation uniform. Punk hairstyles, micro-bikinis and boxer shorts are not acceptable. We have standards to maintain. I like to think that DLSS has a certain reputation for smartness and style and whilst I am principal I shall fight to maintain them. Others may win medals and break records, but we set the tone!

Now to our presentations:

For the fastest dry land crawl - James Speedy. (Enter James Speedy crawling)

Well done! James has just graduated from our crèche class!

For subterranean snorkelling - a new trophy this year - our Welsh entrant - Ivor Flipper. (Enters wearing snorkel goggles and flippers). Ivor has gone where no one else has dared to go - down disused mines, factory chimneys and railway tunnels - a true pioneer.

Image: Diver

"Oh, Oh!. Who let the water
out of the pool?"

Next a tribute to a remarkably brave student, Eileen Dover, who has carried off our diving contests. Multi-storey car parks, stairwells and balconies have all seen Eileen jump with such daring. Unfortunately she has suffered slight injuries in the course of her feats. (Enter Eileen wearing a crash helmet and on crutches). Nothing daunted though she intends next spring to leap from the Eiffel Tower. Donations to our mattress fund will be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Eileen.

Finally the award for our victor ludorum, mistress of the dolphin, the back stroke and the butterfly - Miss Peacock. (Miss Peacock flutters on stage). Such grace, such dedication. We're truly proud of you.

One sad thing mars our celebrations on this great day so I would invite you to stand in silence as we remember one of our most talented teachers, Walter Wings, Dry Land Swimmer of the Year 1999. Walter was drowned when he fell into his local paddling pool. He forgot our cardinal tenet which we repeat at the beginning and end of each day here at DLSS "Don't go near the Water." For Dry Land Swimming combines all the fun of aquatic sports with none of the risk. Moreover, you won't get wet, cold or rusty. So why spoil your costume or hairdo join our classes now. I'm afraid Baptists are ineligible for membership as they are wet all over. But if there are any non-swimmers here please take our brochure - I like to call it our Bible - it's there on the table with the title "Dry Land Swimming - The Safe Option", or our other publication "Why water is bad for you". Any questions?

Voice from back: Yes, Mr. Principal, is it true that non-swimmers risk drowning?

Principal: (hastily) I'm sorry time doesn't allow a response to that interesting question er...buy our book and now let's raise the roof with a chorus from our song "Don't go near the Water."